#48 Valerie S : Just Breath

Valerie and Rachel 

I have known Valerie since the eighties .... I was at Chippenham Hospital...AGAIN this time with my daughter,  Rachel, who had badly burned her ankle.  A fondue Pot accident on New Years Eve.  Rachel spent a month in the hospital .... we kinda lived there.   At the end of the hall on the pediatrics ward , is where the "oh so important" smoking room away from the rooms where the children resided.     I was sitting there one day when Valerie walked down the hall with an Eye Patch on, leaning on her husband, on her way to her daughter's room.  We had something in common.   She looked like she was near my age and her daughter was named Rachel too..... I learned this from the sign on the outside wall next to the door she entered.   

This Girl.... this little dy-na-mo..... bounced out of the room ,  greeting everyone she met.  She bounced when she walked and giggled when she talked.  She had two very long pony tails,  glasses and well she just stole my heart.    Rachel.    I couldn't help it,  she was very independent, smart, creative and best of all so very lovable.  She was the youngest of 4 kids that were in her home at the time and the smallest.  She also had the largest personality. 

The two Rachels ran that pediatric unit!  They were the ones giggling in the bed together doing crafts, watching Pippi Longstocking,  eating candy of the Japanese variety (thanks to a few nurses),  and getting into what ever mischief one could from a bed in the peds unit.   Valerie went back and forth from home but I stayed round the clock with those little ones.  Those two girls didn't even care if we were there are not because they had each other.

My Rachel was scarred, but her ankle healed nicely thanks to some surgeries and her spirit was healed because of little Rachel and that friendship.   My Rachel and  "Little Rachel"  did the same.  They healed and they were released.  We stayed in touch and spent a lot of time together as a family, or just us mom's and the kids playing and just "doing life" and "deaths" too for that matter.

Valerie and Rachel

 We all were in the hospital for extended stays and instantly bonded.  The two Rachels and Valerie and Myself.   We all lived in Chesterfield and found all kinds of ways to be together and help each other out in this world.  Valerie was a stay at home mom and was busy with creativity, babysitting, rebating and just making the best of everything while spending times with our kids.  We became fast friends.   Through thick and thin.

Time passed and my family moved to Powhatan.  A little bit more time passed and Valerie's family did too.  We were excited to be close again .  They didn't move far from us but our worlds were a bit different in this new town.  There were divorces and school events and even life events that kept each of us busy but in different circles for the most part.  Our kids went to school together but my Rachel and her Rachel were different ages and grades and ran in different circles but Mitri, Valeries son, had a high school sweetheart, Lisa,  (later his wife) that became very close to my Rachel and again ... our lives intertwined.   I remained very fond of Rachel and Mitri  and saw them at school events but didn't see Valerie as often as I would have liked.

Life has a funny way of intertwining and coming full circle.  I do believe we all meet each other for a reason.   Myspace, Facebook and computers kept us close even though we were not seeing each other in person we saw each other "online."   Our kids became adults and started their own little families but my ties with Rachel and Valerie never diminished.    Little Rachel and I played online Scrabble together over long periods and shared our lives with each other online.   She inspired my very first 365 .... posting a photo each day to represent our life.  She was sooo very funny and witty and lived her life with a passion that you don't see very much in people.  She overcame many obstacles.... that others would not even begin to try.


           Then came the day ,  when my Rachel, passed away

I had over the years formed a bond with Mitri and his wife Lisa and their daughter, Lynzy.  Valerie and Lisa visited me ... and we took beautiful photos of lynzy and Lisa and spoke of  my Rachel and my Shane.   They were lights in some of my darkest moments.... a good two months after the fact .... I was not "good" but these "good" people put a smile on my face.... even if it were just a minute or two

   Little Rachel wrote to me these words:

I have been thinking about you non stop. Actually, I've been thinking of you, rachel, "little angie", and shane non stop. I remember meeting Rachel so long ago when we were both in the hospital where neither one of us wanted to be. We became instant friends. We formed an immediate bond through both being named Rachel. I was there with pneumonia and she was there for the burn on her ankle. I remember vividly that I would walk down to her room because she wasn't allowed yet to walk on her ankle and I would climb in her hospital bed and we would play and laugh until a nurse would kick me out so we could both get some rest. Through that you and my mom became really good friends. I don't remember a lot of specific memories after the hospital. I just remember spending a lot of time with you guys. Cookouts at our house, cookouts at your house. Me going with my mom to babysit Shane from time to time. Rachel and Angie being at all my birthday parties growing up and vice versa. Even though Rachel and I didn't remain close in our teenage years I have always felt an unspoken closeness with you, rachel, and angie because we were "pre-powhatan" friends. Know that I will always remember the Rachel that squealed with laughter with me in her hospital bed all those years ago. It breaks my heart that you are having to go through this pain again. And know that even though we don't see or talk often I love you just as much as I did when I was the other little girl named rachel squealing with laughter in Rachel's hospital bed. When you are ready my mom and I will meet you for margaritas, or come over for a visit. Whatever will bring some warmth to your soul. Just let me know and I'm there.

i love you , thank you so much for this... yes... I am not ready yet , but I will be... I am still struggling with my headaching and high blood presure so... working on things bit by bit

You will get there in your time. where ever "there" is.............I know from losing my dad that it's going to be a new "there" but breath by breath your strength will build because you are a soul warrior. I love you and I will see you soon I know.

SOOOO the Margaritas... that was a subject for another day.... I was deep in grief when I wrote those words.    In between we had other conversations when she got her new job,  when her friends made her laugh (or cry) ,  when she saw the photos of her niece, you see she was a wordsmith, like me ,  a lover of Books, of the written word, of puns and pranks , of love and life... and we were to celebrate her "cinqo de maya" birthday together with Margaritas as we both felt we were Mexican in another life...   the words "Breath" and "Breathe"  I wondered how ironic,  how can a mother BREATH when her daughter CANT?  I wondered... will I ever be able to do that again?   

But .... that didn't happen.... Little Rachel left this earth a little too soon   a lot too soon,  (4-14-19) not even a year after my own Rachel did.  We would not see each other soon, we would not have those margaritas and we would not celebrate her birthday together.   It is comforting that  she left this earth doing what she loved best,  giggling and laughing and enjoying life with her girls, her peeps , her posse.  As her Bestie, Tricia put it .... if she had to do it over again... She would do it the exact same way... that speaks volumes ya'll.... we should all have these memories, the kind you wouldn't take back.  The friendships that stand the test of time... those precious moments .. no one can take from you .

So here we are VALERIE ... we have come full circle ... in life and death.  I love you and your family so much and life is so very short.    I am glad I have my memories with you.  I am glad that God saw it before we did,  he put us in each others lives for a reason... a good reason ... to love each other through it all..... the good times and the eternal pain....

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Our Families..... all of them ,  have known struggles that others know nothing of.  Our intertwined pasts and our futures are forever memories.  I want to have a margarita with you soon (if your health allows it and after "lent") maybe on Cinqo De Maya .... in honor of our Rachel's , of our friendship,  of our love for each other.  Our bond ,  is one that will never be weakened my friend.  Only it will continue to grow.   I have been sitting here thinking and praying about what to say , what to do, how to move towards your pain while sinking in my own hole reliving my own.   I wondered if I would even be good enough to walk into your and Mitri's personal space.  If I could hold it together enough to be near you.  I heard your voice and Mitri's voice on the phone.  I heard sweet Lisa's voice singing in the background,  I love her so much.     I think... I shouldn't think.... I should just do.... I should be that SOUL WARRIOR your daughter spoke into my breath....   I should live my peace ,  and your rock...... the rock that I look at every day.... the one you made me.....

I love you my Sister Friend,  and when you are ready I will sit with you in your emptiness that I unfortunately know so well..... there are no words .....

And as Little Rachel so wisely advised... we all have to, in our own time,  Breathe...... or write ..... or sleep ...or  what ever it is that will help us get through the storm.     I love you my Soul Warriors,  all of you of of the  Mounayars / Sikes....  I am so blessed to know you.... all. 

#47 : Jeff: Under Armor

Some of us make a bucket list in a cathartic way,  we put things down on paper that we would like to do before we die.  I even bought a book once called 1000 things you should see before you die. (I gave this to someone actually that never returned it, sadly) I bought the book, I made a list, I lost the list, that was many years ago.    I am curious to see how many people actually start working on their lists and how successful they are in completing them.    Then there is the "Make a Wish" foundation that grants wishes (bucket list item to have or do) for kids that have a terminal illness.  My son many years ago was the first wish granted for the Richmond Chapter.  He was hospital bound and wanted a Big Bird doll.    I feel like there are not many adults who are able to grab the bull by the horns and just TAKE OFF and start fulfilling their wishes, or lists or  wants before they pass away from their earthly beings.   I often wonder if we can travel in the afterlife to the places that are left unseen while we are on the earth , or if its even important to us AFTER the fact.

BUT THEN there are a few people that just know how to make things happen.  One of these people I was fortunate enough to meet this past week.  He is an inspiration to me and I am sure will be to many others.   MEET JEFF!!!!

Jeff is called "kitty" by his BFF,  Chenoa Ford,  he apparently has had 9 lives and lived each one of them to the fullest.   He has survived many a thing that most of us wouldn't be able to take even one of.   I am not going into all of the details but just say he is and has touched the lives of many and has not stopped yet.    He was in the hospital recently and was put in hospice with a very limited prognosis for staying on this earth, given oxygen, pain relief and a very restricted diet.   That happens everyday in hospitals all over the world ,  or at least I should say ,  in the US.   Jeff said,  NOT ME ,  I am not going to lay here and waste away and die......

I AM GOING TO WORK ON MY BUCKET LIST FOR AS LONG AS GOD WILL LET ME !

So Jeff bought a train ticket ,  along with 2 brothers ,  and took off from Arizona to California to New York.   He stayed in New York a week  (cramming in and completing many of his life's desire to travel) and then traveled by train and car to VA.  Here he joined his BFF's of 26 years,  Jerimy and Chenoa Ford.  Here is where I was able to meet this kind, witty and strong soul..... JEFF B.   He took many photos along the way that were awesome but this trip ,  I got to bring my camera and capture his adventure here in Powhatan , thanks to a few earth angels to include ,  Elwood Yates and Buck Tilman.    Off we went (along with our mutual friend, Patrick) to Tilman Town. 

Tilman smiling and enjoying the beautiful day and protecting the resident Kitty's

People say .... that photos speak a thousand words.... so here are a few thousand words for you ... for Jeff... for Jerimy .... inspiration, memories and reflections.....

ST JOHNS CHAPEL in TILMAN TOWN

A photographers Dream.... a building overflowing with ANTIQUE FRAMES OMG !!!  

SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS proudly flying their colors

Patrick enjoying some of the sights

Looking Forward with no regrets,  Brotherhood of the Ascendents 

I'm too sexy for my tractor

A little porch time is good for the soul

True love and fun never escape this beautiful couple taking a moment to enjoy the playground

Chenoa ,  always making people smile

Brotherhood

"A preacher,  A biker, a brother and a Mexican walk into a bar"  ~  Jerimy Ford

We were Framed 

So I only spent a short while with Jeff,  but I loved every single second...... I wish I had met him and his brothers much sooner in life to share in some of the adventures in Arizona & New York.  I guess things happen for a reason and in God's timing , not mine, and Jeff is arriving today in AZ.   Next stop?  His big Birthday Bash with friends and family out West to Celebrate Jeff and his days here on Earth,  Sunday?    Yes, Sunday , he is feeding the homeless..... as Chenoa (my favorite) ,  states in TRUE JEFF STYLE ..... he won't stop until God says its time.

Photo Credit:  Chenoa Ford

We have so much to learn from Jeff,  from Jerimy & Chenoa, from the brothers,  from Buck and from God.    I need a shirt,  Armor of God.... it just says more than I can put in words.   you see its not what we say while we are here, its not the to do lists we make , its not the wishes nor the promises nor the intent.  ITS WHAT WE DO ..... to be a shining light.....  a light that shines brightly in this sometimes very dark place our hearts hide in.    From now on,  the bar for me is raised ...... the bar for being strong,  for making things happen ,  for going after the joy not sitting still waiting for it to happen.

#46: Little Firefly: Stephanie B.

Stephanie.

I met Stephanie when I did a photo shoot with her son and his band members at the "beach" on our lake here in my neighborhood 3 years ago.  She called me afterwards and scheduled her son's photo shoot for his senior photos.   And just like that....we were fast friends.  She read my blogs, she encouraged me and I her as we both had creative endeavors.  She worked on creating her space all the while going to class for massage therapy and being her husbands work partner in their own car detailing business. We shared laughs, and smiles frequently this past year.  We spent time talking on the phone , through fb and waved and hugged at the functions that we attended together that her daughter was part of cheering, parades, her Senior Photos, Regalia etc.

  

 

What really stuck out the most was Stephanie's "care" for me when my daughter died.  She was "there."   There for me in a capacity that only she was.  She spoke of energy, love, hope and gave me hints to "squelch" some of my angst, sorrow, etc.  She gave me sage, white sage to be exact, and offered love, money, food and promised me a full body massage "once I was up for it."  

Abby has her mothers hands.....

One particular day, I was having a bad day and wrote about it on Facebook...she read my writings about my grief and called me.  She told me to get my walking stick.  (not knowing at the time the one I had belonged to my daughter, Rachel)  She instructed me to get it and to put it beside me and hold on to it when I was grieving,  "for grounding."  I did.  She spoke in such a gentle voice.   I got it and cried hanging on to this stick... and put it beside my bed.   I took a photo of it and tagged Stephanie, with no written words, just the photo.  Others "liked" the photo but only she and I knew the meaning.

 Time passed and Stephanie was going to go on a December Cruise with her family.  Another dear friend of mine was going the same week.... I was so excited for her ...but then the cruise was cancelled unexpectedly ... she was disappointed but wasn't feeling so good , so in true Stephanie form.... looked at the brighter side ... and tried to get well to give me my massage ... then things happened... 

She coughed , she hurt, she went to the doctor..... "pneumonia"

"I am getting better slowly but surely" she wrote to me on FB.

and then

You won't believe this but I had a relapse and "now I have kidney stones"  she stated , so matter of factly.  Oh no, that is so painful I told her ,   but again ,  looking on the bright side was "a little pain to finally get relief and get back to normal."  ARGHHHH

I sent her a message after a brief time of not hearing from her, asking her for an update (this was now JANUARY).   Her husband replied..... he had taken her to the hospital.... she has been diagnosed with.... "cancer."

She couldn't wait to wear the "do rags" that I promised to bring her, she was actually looking forward to what I would bring when the time came.   I asked her what I could bring her besides the fruit that she craved,   "I want to live" was her reply.... I wanted to give her that so badly , in addition to the cherry yogurt, that was her favorite.  I wanted to find and give her .... whatever I could.

A whirlwind of time passed.  The end result was not good.  Stephanie was a warrior , strong and sweet all balled up into one beautiful person. This awful disease tried to snuff out her light, but was unsuccessful right up to the end, as a firefly's light shines brightly especially in the face of darkness.

I knew she would be "everywhere"  just as she explained to me about my daughter.  She would be there , she told us all , she would be watching and she promised not to "haunt us" with a laugh. (a laugh of the contagious kind)
She was "tired" she told me, her body was tired, but her young spirit soared through the room.

And so.... anyone that knows me .... knows.... I don't do funerals ......"well"..... heck I left my own son's funeral mid way through...... but I would not have missed being there for Stephanie and her sweet family for the world.... so I traveled to West Point,  Yesterday.   All the while I turned down my radio and spoke to Rachel and to Stephanie, just as Patrick shared that he did now... often.   I asked for peace for this beautiful family and for them both to send signs that they and we would be okay.

I took my camera out of my car to record the journey.  I took photos along the way and then locked my camera in the car.  I missed my camera.  I wanted so badly to record for everyone, and especially for the family and Valerie, the details that I saw through my own minds eye.... the drum ceremony, the eyes of Jerimy Ford, the purple flower, the lapel pins, the feathers,  the necklace, the ring, the bracelet, the slideshow (especially the photo with the hair!), the love, the elders, the adorable baby that the woman was singing to,  the playground,  every single thing,  I took mental images which everyone knows fade worse than cheap photo processing paper.   I wanted to record it all... 

Signs Everywhere....

...... after the preachers and worship leaders said and did what they could to bring peace to the congregation..... from the back of the church she walked past me.... my mouth dropped open and my eyes were wide... I have no poker face so I am sure if someone would have looked at me they would have wondered what in the world I was so shocked about.   Aside from those undeniable familia traits that ran through both Stephanie and her aunt, Roni,  she walked bravely down the aisle of that tiny church carrying her WALKING STICK.   She climbed the stairs and spoke about the walking stick, and that her husband had carved the word "Attitude" into the stick.  She talked about how Stephanie left a legacy (and read a poem titled just that "legacy" ) and how "little firefly left the legacy of a great attitude" and that we all should learn by that.    Roni did not know the story of mine and Stephanies connection with the Walking Stick, but she told me she knew that Stephanine walked with her through that church.

A true warrior.... one that will be dancing at the June Pow-Wow in great spirit,  that once danced with her husband to one of my favorite songs..... the song that I looked up with a fervor  after watching Patch Adams the first time years ago... Signs , oh yes , there were many....  Stephanie, Little Fire-Fly,  Thank You.    She left us full of grace and went into the mystic..... peacefully and without regret.  She told me that "she and Patrick did what they were called to do".... "they raised two beautiful , wealthy children...... and that they were wealthy not by money she reiterated but by being good people, people with good hearts... the people that the world needed more of."   Her attitude and her love was boundless and self less..... the rare kind of love you don't find very often.   

I will always cherish her friendship and her children and family.  Her children both talked about what a "wonderful nurturing, warrior" she was and "then some."  Her husband speaks so lovingly and with such wit about her and their time together too.  Her priorities on this earth were in order, her friendship to me priceless.
In the last moments with her .... it was so hard to leave....I asked her to find my daughter, as I gave her feet a much needed massage, and she said "she would and could I keep going just a few more minutes."  I know that they will "know each other" on the other side, they will both be carrying beautiful walking sticks.