#48 Valerie S : Just Breath

Valerie and Rachel 

I have known Valerie since the eighties .... I was at Chippenham Hospital...AGAIN this time with my daughter,  Rachel, who had badly burned her ankle.  A fondue Pot accident on New Years Eve.  Rachel spent a month in the hospital .... we kinda lived there.   At the end of the hall on the pediatrics ward , is where the "oh so important" smoking room away from the rooms where the children resided.     I was sitting there one day when Valerie walked down the hall with an Eye Patch on, leaning on her husband, on her way to her daughter's room.  We had something in common.   She looked like she was near my age and her daughter was named Rachel too..... I learned this from the sign on the outside wall next to the door she entered.   

This Girl.... this little dy-na-mo..... bounced out of the room ,  greeting everyone she met.  She bounced when she walked and giggled when she talked.  She had two very long pony tails,  glasses and well she just stole my heart.    Rachel.    I couldn't help it,  she was very independent, smart, creative and best of all so very lovable.  She was the youngest of 4 kids that were in her home at the time and the smallest.  She also had the largest personality. 

The two Rachels ran that pediatric unit!  They were the ones giggling in the bed together doing crafts, watching Pippi Longstocking,  eating candy of the Japanese variety (thanks to a few nurses),  and getting into what ever mischief one could from a bed in the peds unit.   Valerie went back and forth from home but I stayed round the clock with those little ones.  Those two girls didn't even care if we were there are not because they had each other.

My Rachel was scarred, but her ankle healed nicely thanks to some surgeries and her spirit was healed because of little Rachel and that friendship.   My Rachel and  "Little Rachel"  did the same.  They healed and they were released.  We stayed in touch and spent a lot of time together as a family, or just us mom's and the kids playing and just "doing life" and "deaths" too for that matter.

Valerie and Rachel

 We all were in the hospital for extended stays and instantly bonded.  The two Rachels and Valerie and Myself.   We all lived in Chesterfield and found all kinds of ways to be together and help each other out in this world.  Valerie was a stay at home mom and was busy with creativity, babysitting, rebating and just making the best of everything while spending times with our kids.  We became fast friends.   Through thick and thin.

Time passed and my family moved to Powhatan.  A little bit more time passed and Valerie's family did too.  We were excited to be close again .  They didn't move far from us but our worlds were a bit different in this new town.  There were divorces and school events and even life events that kept each of us busy but in different circles for the most part.  Our kids went to school together but my Rachel and her Rachel were different ages and grades and ran in different circles but Mitri, Valeries son, had a high school sweetheart, Lisa,  (later his wife) that became very close to my Rachel and again ... our lives intertwined.   I remained very fond of Rachel and Mitri  and saw them at school events but didn't see Valerie as often as I would have liked.

Life has a funny way of intertwining and coming full circle.  I do believe we all meet each other for a reason.   Myspace, Facebook and computers kept us close even though we were not seeing each other in person we saw each other "online."   Our kids became adults and started their own little families but my ties with Rachel and Valerie never diminished.    Little Rachel and I played online Scrabble together over long periods and shared our lives with each other online.   She inspired my very first 365 .... posting a photo each day to represent our life.  She was sooo very funny and witty and lived her life with a passion that you don't see very much in people.  She overcame many obstacles.... that others would not even begin to try.


           Then came the day ,  when my Rachel, passed away

I had over the years formed a bond with Mitri and his wife Lisa and their daughter, Lynzy.  Valerie and Lisa visited me ... and we took beautiful photos of lynzy and Lisa and spoke of  my Rachel and my Shane.   They were lights in some of my darkest moments.... a good two months after the fact .... I was not "good" but these "good" people put a smile on my face.... even if it were just a minute or two

   Little Rachel wrote to me these words:

I have been thinking about you non stop. Actually, I've been thinking of you, rachel, "little angie", and shane non stop. I remember meeting Rachel so long ago when we were both in the hospital where neither one of us wanted to be. We became instant friends. We formed an immediate bond through both being named Rachel. I was there with pneumonia and she was there for the burn on her ankle. I remember vividly that I would walk down to her room because she wasn't allowed yet to walk on her ankle and I would climb in her hospital bed and we would play and laugh until a nurse would kick me out so we could both get some rest. Through that you and my mom became really good friends. I don't remember a lot of specific memories after the hospital. I just remember spending a lot of time with you guys. Cookouts at our house, cookouts at your house. Me going with my mom to babysit Shane from time to time. Rachel and Angie being at all my birthday parties growing up and vice versa. Even though Rachel and I didn't remain close in our teenage years I have always felt an unspoken closeness with you, rachel, and angie because we were "pre-powhatan" friends. Know that I will always remember the Rachel that squealed with laughter with me in her hospital bed all those years ago. It breaks my heart that you are having to go through this pain again. And know that even though we don't see or talk often I love you just as much as I did when I was the other little girl named rachel squealing with laughter in Rachel's hospital bed. When you are ready my mom and I will meet you for margaritas, or come over for a visit. Whatever will bring some warmth to your soul. Just let me know and I'm there.

i love you , thank you so much for this... yes... I am not ready yet , but I will be... I am still struggling with my headaching and high blood presure so... working on things bit by bit

You will get there in your time. where ever "there" is.............I know from losing my dad that it's going to be a new "there" but breath by breath your strength will build because you are a soul warrior. I love you and I will see you soon I know.

SOOOO the Margaritas... that was a subject for another day.... I was deep in grief when I wrote those words.    In between we had other conversations when she got her new job,  when her friends made her laugh (or cry) ,  when she saw the photos of her niece, you see she was a wordsmith, like me ,  a lover of Books, of the written word, of puns and pranks , of love and life... and we were to celebrate her "cinqo de maya" birthday together with Margaritas as we both felt we were Mexican in another life...   the words "Breath" and "Breathe"  I wondered how ironic,  how can a mother BREATH when her daughter CANT?  I wondered... will I ever be able to do that again?   

But .... that didn't happen.... Little Rachel left this earth a little too soon   a lot too soon,  (4-14-19) not even a year after my own Rachel did.  We would not see each other soon, we would not have those margaritas and we would not celebrate her birthday together.   It is comforting that  she left this earth doing what she loved best,  giggling and laughing and enjoying life with her girls, her peeps , her posse.  As her Bestie, Tricia put it .... if she had to do it over again... She would do it the exact same way... that speaks volumes ya'll.... we should all have these memories, the kind you wouldn't take back.  The friendships that stand the test of time... those precious moments .. no one can take from you .

So here we are VALERIE ... we have come full circle ... in life and death.  I love you and your family so much and life is so very short.    I am glad I have my memories with you.  I am glad that God saw it before we did,  he put us in each others lives for a reason... a good reason ... to love each other through it all..... the good times and the eternal pain....

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Our Families..... all of them ,  have known struggles that others know nothing of.  Our intertwined pasts and our futures are forever memories.  I want to have a margarita with you soon (if your health allows it and after "lent") maybe on Cinqo De Maya .... in honor of our Rachel's , of our friendship,  of our love for each other.  Our bond ,  is one that will never be weakened my friend.  Only it will continue to grow.   I have been sitting here thinking and praying about what to say , what to do, how to move towards your pain while sinking in my own hole reliving my own.   I wondered if I would even be good enough to walk into your and Mitri's personal space.  If I could hold it together enough to be near you.  I heard your voice and Mitri's voice on the phone.  I heard sweet Lisa's voice singing in the background,  I love her so much.     I think... I shouldn't think.... I should just do.... I should be that SOUL WARRIOR your daughter spoke into my breath....   I should live my peace ,  and your rock...... the rock that I look at every day.... the one you made me.....

I love you my Sister Friend,  and when you are ready I will sit with you in your emptiness that I unfortunately know so well..... there are no words .....

And as Little Rachel so wisely advised... we all have to, in our own time,  Breathe...... or write ..... or sleep ...or  what ever it is that will help us get through the storm.     I love you my Soul Warriors,  all of you of of the  Mounayars / Sikes....  I am so blessed to know you.... all.