2.02.2017

#46 : Donna... a life . DISMISSED


Through out  my life there have been things I have "known" without a reasonable explanation.... yesterday was one of those days ... It was Feb. 1, 2017 and the event happened the day before.

Obit here: CLICK HERE


So I was sitting having dinner in my local favorite restaurant when I read the news.   I immediately "knew" what had happened.  I have this thing...its a gift , its a curse.... its part of who I am... I have premonitions ...or deja vu or what ever you want to call it.   She had taken her own life   ..... I knew this ...I didn't need to hear or read that information.... I just "knew."



I said it out loud.  

You know that 6th or 7th degree of separation didn't even touch it.  I knew her from classmates, friends (old and new),  her employment contacts, her social contacts and ...and ....and... the list goes on and on.  




She was my FB friend on my old account.  The one that no longer exists for those that don't know me well or know how to spell my legal name.   Those that friended me because they either thought they knew me or friended me for random reasons.  She was one of those people.   

I met her at a couple of parties.  We had a few mutual friends.  My real life interaction with her was limited, but ... important, she actually paid my tab for my birthday one year,  with a nod of the head and a raise of her glass... not really knowing me but of me... grabbing that moment to make a mark on my life... one that would never be "dismissed." 




Social Media... where we see things in  "real time."  I  saw her life, her spirit , her angst. I knew of her and her adventures, loves, and lifes lessons through the lens she wanted me and everyone else to see.  She lived her life WIDE OPEN , like myself...no one to compete with, no one to have to pretend to be and nothing to hide.

I had my own opinions of Donna.... My own opinions didn't come from the tales that people spread with their wild tongues that couldn't be kept under control.  My opinion came from who she "told me she was" through her own words and photographs, the ones she chose to represent herself, as that is how we want people to define us, isn't it?  Through the lens in which we provide - the rose colored one... and not the lens that is polarized and smokey grey.  This person,  Donna... lived a very different life from me, but we ran in the same circles from time to time and are very much the same in some subtle ways.



Donna & Karen

Donna loved hard when she loved.  She proved that.  She fought hard and she proved that too.



We all say things.  We say "if I were in XYZ situation I would handle it ABC way."  We know what we would do, or we say we do.  I do it all of the time.   If this "certain thing" happened to me I would react a "certain way."   

Suicide.  I have always had my opinion about this since the first one I knew of  personally years ago, a casualty of bullying at a very young age of 14.   I grew to accept "certain" suicides , like the ones Dr. Kevorkian did for mercy.  I have grown to respect the states that allow individuals to use / choose suicide as an option for chronic illnesses , the terminal ones.    I have had a very close friend's death labeled "suicide" when in my heart I didn't think and still cannot accept that was in fact "true."  I had a former friend that always touted loudly that suicide was purely a"selfish act" and in my younger years I believed her and thought that way too.  Today ... not so much.... the selfish acts are often from those that are left behind, that push the envelope , that cannot hold their wild thoughts and tongues.

Well, last year ,  I had an argument a "typing argument" via social media.... about a friend of her's that used Suicide to escape some legal charges.   I "knew" how I would feel, I knew how she "should feel" and I knew how the person felt ... I knew everything ..I was staunch in my "side" of the story that had me reeling in PTSD and Trust issues, my own personal angst infiltrated the entire situation.  I have thought of this conversation many times and wish it "never happened." ... it taught me a lot ... a HUGE lot ... and I got a BRAND NEW lens that focused and showed me a different person than the one I had conjured up in my mind.  It was a clear lens, a macro lens that showed all the pores, sores and warts of being  human.   

YESTERDAY this situation came  up again.   A person,  a human being, with the spirit that I recognize well.... this person that grabbed life and loved hard...that didn't love her back much.  This beautiful disaster,  that no matter what path she took,  the road was always bumpy and the consequences seemed extra hard.    The lens of "invincibility" was hers that she showed the world - in the end the real lens was beautiful like a kaleidoscope ,  broken shards of life shattered ...all around her.... and she couldn't step without being cut deeper than she could bare.

NEWS - STORY HERE

I want to say personally that I had a thought in mind, before her tragic end, of what SHOULD HAPPEN,  that I should "feel" a certain way in all of the news, rumors and pm's that came forth.  Nothing was further from the truth.  I am sad. I am angry.  I understand.  I am confused.   I feel a jumbled gargle of emotions for everyone involved.    I am the girl with kaleidoscope eyes...

 The sadness I feel for her, for them, for the others, for all of us is insurmountable ... I read it.  I read it out loud.  "dismissed." EVERYTHING is "dismissed."   My heart cried, tears welled up in my eyes and chill bumps ran across my body like a feverish rage. I have nothing to say to make it better for anyone.    I cannot accept "dismissed" for her , her family , the other family.... for me or for no one else... 


 A mug shot....no filter ...no lens...

FOR ALL......from her friends to her friends... to read



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